This is the conversation I’ve been waiting for my Daddy to have with me for some time now. (He’s actually on the phone now, so let me finish and I’ll get back to you)….Understand your opponent. Know that they’ve already failed at being perfect. Treasure what you enjoy and keep it moving once they’ve hurt you. These are some notes I took while my Dad was talking to me on the phone.
20 minutes later…
My Dad shared a good message with me. and it made me cry for 2 reasons: #One I’m not sure I can allow myself to love another pass the BS that comes with relationships and #Two I had almost given up on my Daddy being my Daddy.
Let me set the stage: Precedent: My Dad and I have always had a rocky relationship because of the relationship he had with my Mother. Further Down the Time Line: I verbally slayed my father and had wiped my hands clean of him because I was sooo mad with him and our relationship and how disappointed I was. Even Further Down the Time Line: Then during a sermon by my Pastor the one and only Pastor Dr Lance Watson of Saint Paul Baptist Church delivered a message that finally resonated with me that: I need to treasure the relationships (gifts) that are present in my life today. So I knew I shouldn’t give up on my Daddy but didn’t know how to improve the relationship. Things got better, then they didn’t and it seemed the same disappoint was resonating again, minus the verbal slaying. Jump to present day, I thought I was just going to have to accept the negative perception that I had of my Father. I felt like he felt he was done raising me, no longer could teach me anything and he was an “out-of-sight/out-of-mind” kind of Dad. My reasons for not giving up were somewhat selfish as well. I knew that my lack of success with relationships could possibly stem from several things but one being the lack of a relationship with him. (I’m not saying a poor relationship with your father affects everyone, but I felt like it was effecting me)
Boom! Lets jump to right now. I was on the phone with my Dad and I had a cold tone to me, I felt it and I’m sure he felt it, but he decided to carry on. He was about to get off the phone, but not before asking about the most recent “Boo”. To find out that the recent “Boo” was no longer privileged to be called my right now “Boo” but he had passed away with Black History Month. My Dad said “Don’t punish these guys because of me”. Me being stubborn I said “I’m not.” He almost got off the phone but I allowed myself the opportunity to go there with my Daddy and I feel truly blessed.
It warms my heart to just have a conversation with my Dad that allows me to still be a child and absorb the knowledge that my Dad is able to pass on. I never wanted to give up on that relationship, but I didn’t want to continuously be disappointed, I wanted better for us, but sometimes you have to know when to walk away. I’m very black or white. I know that I still have lessons to learn from my parents, at the tender age of 28. And it warmed my heart to know that this was the conversation I was waiting on, because I don’t want to be a bitter old woman, I don’t want to be the “Independent Woman” I know that it can be very beneficial and rewarding to find a mate and I always felt that my Daddy was the key to that happiness, in my personal situation.
Me and my Daddy really talked and he shared with me lessons on men and women, our differences and how not to let go of my standards but to change my perception and my expectations. What he said I already knew or had at least heard once before in my life, but it wasn’t just about the message, it was the messenger. I always believed that Dads would be the one to teach a girl how to deal with men and I didn’t think that my Dad had taught me that lesson, until now. I’m sure there will be many more conversations that I have about this topic with my father. To tell you the truth I’m not sure I knew that I needed him to tell me this message until he began to speak the words, I’m not even sure I knew to ask for it, but he knew what he needed to tell me, and what he needed to tell me was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m grateful.
My Dad asked me to marinate on the quote that he gave me which is also the title of this post. “Only a fool breaks his own heart”. Sadly enough I felt like I was doing that because I am afraid to trust. This conversation with my Pops tells me don’t be afraid but be free, allow yourself to enjoy all someone or something has to give and accept it as just that, joy. When the Joy ends, move on. I actually said this same idea to one of my besties on the phone this past weekend, but it sounded so much better coming from my Father.