Bridging the Gap Between Daddy and Daughter #18962

the title is an exaggerated expression of how many times I feel that my father and I have attempted to repair and better our relationship. the truth is I’ve never kept count. just imagine if God kept count of my every transgression. but i digress 

my parents seem to be total opposites to me and growing up I saw my father in a negative light so any trait of him that I found in myself I denied as much as I could. So as I’m growing older and realizing certain things about myself that I repressed because I viewed them negatively, I now want to enjoy, pursue and bring closer to the surface… That being said I was really excited to better my relationship with my Dad, kind of pick his brain about more of who he is and see if we had more in common now that I’m reveling in more of this “other” side of me. So I decide to visit home.

To keep a long story short,  we didn’t see each other the entire time I was in his city. 

I’m disappointed, upset, frustrated, angry, and done with trying to get the answers I desire or effort from my father that would make me feel better. We did text while I was up there and I have a feeling that from his texts, I should probably stop expecting more from this relationship and move forward with my Daddy-desires that I personally believe have never been fulfilled. 

I guest its just time to move forward. I don’t even have the energy or desire to explain my wants and needs from this position and the fact that I obviously speak a different language than my father does. 

 

Life goes on. 

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Only a Fool Breaks His Own Heart ~ Quote Given to me by my Daddy

This is the conversation I’ve been waiting for my Daddy to have with me for some time now. (He’s actually on the phone now, so let me finish and I’ll get back to you)….Understand your opponent. Know that they’ve already failed at being perfect. Treasure what you enjoy and keep it moving once they’ve hurt you. These are some notes I took while my Dad was talking to me on the phone.

20 minutes later…

My Dad shared a good message with me. and it made me cry for 2 reasons: #One I’m not sure I can allow myself to love another pass the BS that comes with relationships and #Two I had almost given up on my Daddy being my Daddy.

Let me set the stage: Precedent: My Dad and I have always had a rocky relationship because of the relationship he had with my Mother. Further Down the Time Line: I verbally slayed my father and had wiped my hands clean of him because I was sooo mad with him and our relationship and how disappointed I was. Even Further Down the Time Line: Then during a sermon by my Pastor the one and only Pastor Dr Lance Watson of Saint Paul Baptist Church delivered a message that finally resonated with me that: I need to treasure the relationships (gifts) that are present in my life today. So I knew I shouldn’t give up on my Daddy but didn’t know how to improve the relationship. Things got better, then they didn’t and it seemed the same disappoint was resonating again, minus the verbal slaying. Jump to present day, I thought I was just going to have to accept the negative perception that I had of my Father. I felt like he felt he was done raising me, no longer could teach me anything and he was an “out-of-sight/out-of-mind” kind of Dad. My reasons for not giving up were somewhat selfish as well. I knew that my lack of success with relationships could possibly stem from several things but one being the lack of a relationship with him. (I’m not saying a poor relationship with your father affects everyone, but I felt like it was effecting me)

Boom! Lets jump to right now. I was on the phone with my Dad and I had a cold tone to me, I felt it and I’m sure he felt it, but he decided to carry on. He was about to get off the phone, but not before asking about the most recent “Boo”. To find out that the recent “Boo” was no longer privileged to be called my right now “Boo” but he had passed away with Black History Month. My Dad said “Don’t punish these guys because of me”. Me being stubborn I said “I’m not.” He almost got off the phone but I allowed myself the opportunity to go there with my Daddy and I feel truly blessed.

It warms my heart to just have a conversation with my Dad that allows me to still be a child and absorb the knowledge that my Dad is able to pass on. I never wanted to give up on that relationship, but I didn’t want to continuously be disappointed, I wanted better for us, but sometimes you have to know when to walk away. I’m very black or white. I know that I still have lessons to learn from my parents, at the tender age of 28. And it warmed my heart to know that this was the conversation I was waiting on, because I don’t want to be a bitter old woman, I don’t want to be the “Independent Woman” I know that it can be very beneficial and rewarding to find a mate and I always felt that my Daddy was the key to that happiness, in my personal situation.

Me and my Daddy really talked and he shared with me lessons on men and women, our differences and how not to let go of my standards but to change my perception and my expectations. What he said I already knew or had at least heard once before in my life, but it wasn’t just about the message, it was the messenger. I always believed that Dads would be the one to teach a girl how to deal with men and I didn’t think that my Dad had taught me that lesson, until now. I’m sure there will be many more conversations that I have about this topic with my father. To tell you the truth I’m not sure I knew that I needed him to tell me this message until he began to speak the words, I’m not even sure I knew to ask for it, but he knew what he needed to tell me, and what he needed to tell me was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m grateful.

My Dad asked me to marinate on the quote that he gave me which is also the title of this post. “Only a fool breaks his own heart”. Sadly enough I felt like I was doing that because I am afraid to trust. This conversation with my Pops tells me don’t be afraid but be free, allow yourself to enjoy all someone or something has to give and accept it as just that, joy. When the Joy ends, move on. I actually said this same idea to one of my besties on the phone this past weekend, but it sounded so much better coming from my Father.

Thanks Daddy

father and daughter

Sparking the world traveler in me…..

I’ve always wanted to travel the world. The desire was burning deep inside of me wayyyy wayyy way before I actually went anywhere. I did go to my father’s homeland of Jamaica when I was a young bombena but obviously I dont remember that trip. Technically speaking I’ve never been off the East Coast of the States up until this trip I’m going to tell you about. For my 28th birthday, I went to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. When I tell you that I was beyond ecstatic about this trip. My Mother doesn’t know, but I can die a peaceful death now that I’ve been able to see something different from the United States. We went in early October of 2012. Mommy paid for the entire trip but I know that for two of us to go on the all-inclusive resort including plane tickets it cost just about $2000. I’m going to take my time posting pictures, but within a week, everything that I want to show you should be up. We stayed at the Majestic Colonial Resort from Thursday to Sunday. I’m currently dancing between the ideas of becoming a beach bum on the island of Dominican Republic or just increasing my income so that I can visit several islands that provide a similar experience. But I am a lover of sun and calm (emphasis on) CALM water.

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I’m glad I went with my mother on my initial trip to the islands because there were so many things that I was unsure about and she’s traveled several places. The fees that come with traveling across the water, the scanning of international flights, etc etc. Plus my Mommy is my bestest friend so who else would I want to travel with, initially speaking! The resort was beautiful, the food was delicious, the staff were friendly, the water was beautiful, there was an abundance of activities, and my experience was pure delight. I did not enjoy myself because I was fresh out of Virginia, I enjoyed myself because there was no way to get there, stay there, than experience this island without having a good time. Food was endless, drinks were endless and ohhh soooo yummy. We were greeted with a drink that I cannot remember the name but it was scrumptious… Moms and I were hooked after our first sip, we ordered dozens of them for throughout the trip, with and without alcohol. (We aren’t heavy drinkers.) I spent hella money on things to remember my trip, photo album, key chain, pictures, painting, I also took a lot of nicnacs from the hotel. And I’m constantly dreaming about how soon I can get back to this beautiful island and experience it once again.

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sooo yummy

The resort is located on the beach, so you have an option of pool or beach. We did experience the beach but the pool gave us the option of laying in the water and sun at the same (damn) time. If you go to the beach, people are walking past, the water changes with every tide, it’s just not convenient to lay around and catch the sun rays at the same time. We did not do any activities outside of the Resort but the price range for those events were from $$ to $$$. I absolutely enjoyed myself and I thank my Mother from the bottom of my heart for the experience. Please if you have any questions or comments, I encourage you to share. I’m posting hella pictures for your enjoyment and for me to remember all those good times.

Please enjoy
T

Stuffed Shells or Manicotti Shells by yours truly

the box and brand i use

Prepare pans

 

Did I tell you I like to cook? Well let me tell you again! I love to cook. Absolutely love it! L-O-V-E!

I’ve actually made this dish a few times. Each time it has been made with different ingredients. Unfortunately this time around, I forgot to add the egg. Wouldn’t be the first time I forgot to add egg, but I personally prefer the egg to be in the mix. It’s still yummy though. I like to use:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. You will cook for 20 to 25 minutes
1. One full size jar of Marinara/Spaghetti Sauce 2. One Medium/Large jar of Ricotta Cheese at room temperature 3. Saute Spinach, Garlic, and any other vegetable you care to add. (I’ve added mushrooms and onions before.) 4. One pack of Lean Ground Turkey, be sure to season and cook well before mixing with other ingredients. 5. One box of Manicotti Shells fully cooked. 6. One pack of Shredded Parmesan cheese to sprinkle on top. 7. One medium egg would be great in this mix, but remember I forgot to add so you wont see it in my pics)That should be everything. Cook meat and seasoning separate. In separate bowl place room temperature Ricotta Chesse, One egg, sautéed ingredients, and cooked meat into a bowl and mix well. The ricotta should be smooth, meat evenly dispersed in the mixture and egg mixed in well.

Prepare pans by covering bottom with marinara/spaghetti sauce. On a plate/cutting board tear one side of the fully cooked manicotti shell open and take a 2-3 table spoon amount of your mixture and roll the shell neatly around the mixture. place the stuffed shell into your sauced pan, repeat until finish. Of course pictures are included. It’s ok if the shells tear while cooking in the boiling water. I have used torn shells before to complete this dish. If you have any questions about possible recipes or preparing the recipe I’ve included please don’t hesitate to comment. I’ll be sure to get back with you.

Hope this was helpful,

Smooches

Roll tightly

 

shell after fully cooked

 

 

load mixture on shell

 

 

place into shell and tuck around

line shells neatly

 

cover with marinara on top of shells

took 2 pans to hold all shells

finished product