the title is an exaggerated expression of how many times I feel that my father and I have attempted to repair and better our relationship. the truth is I’ve never kept count. just imagine if God kept count of my every transgression. but i digress
my parents seem to be total opposites to me and growing up I saw my father in a negative light so any trait of him that I found in myself I denied as much as I could. So as I’m growing older and realizing certain things about myself that I repressed because I viewed them negatively, I now want to enjoy, pursue and bring closer to the surface… That being said I was really excited to better my relationship with my Dad, kind of pick his brain about more of who he is and see if we had more in common now that I’m reveling in more of this “other” side of me. So I decide to visit home.
To keep a long story short, we didn’t see each other the entire time I was in his city.
I’m disappointed, upset, frustrated, angry, and done with trying to get the answers I desire or effort from my father that would make me feel better. We did text while I was up there and I have a feeling that from his texts, I should probably stop expecting more from this relationship and move forward with my Daddy-desires that I personally believe have never been fulfilled.
I guest its just time to move forward. I don’t even have the energy or desire to explain my wants and needs from this position and the fact that I obviously speak a different language than my father does.
Life goes on.